There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize