I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
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