Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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