i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
