does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
