So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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