I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need moral support for this bender
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
