OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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