i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize