do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
40s are totally the cure
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
