So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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