I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
