ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
