Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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