this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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