I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I need a beard to bite.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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