I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
