dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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