Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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