Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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