so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
