Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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