I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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