Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
