Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
