so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
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You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
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I can't turn off my feet"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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