If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
