the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
