i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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