Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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