I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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