there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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