Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
