Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
