We won't sleep together?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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