I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
