Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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