so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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