i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
