i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize