help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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