I wish my penis had an off switch
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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