I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
