Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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