sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
