Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
