she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
