If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
