I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
