I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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