I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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