i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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