I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
