oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
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Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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