I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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