I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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