he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
