im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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